i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
