party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
