I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have aggressive nipples.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
