Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
