I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
