I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
