you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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