Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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