the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
