Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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