Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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