Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
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