youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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