we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
