I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
