How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
