life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
