I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We left the knife in your bed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
