Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
