i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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