okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
