i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
