I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
