sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
