Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
