dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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