I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
