I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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