why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
