from now on my penis is your penis
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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