Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
