Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
