i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
