not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
