adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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