allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
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