I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
