dude i'm inner monologue high
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
