Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
