I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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