mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
