did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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