if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
