Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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