The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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