Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
