my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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