Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
