I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
