I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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